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[05 Jul 2009|11:33am] |
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I am kind of wondering why I am logged out of this so often, when I do not quit Firefox, or log out...
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| this time - jonathon rhys meyers (august rush) |
[31 Dec 2007|01:08pm] |
Tonight the sky above
Reminds me of you, love
Walking through wintertime
Where the stars all shine
The angel on the stairs
Will tell you I was there
Under the front porch light
On a mystery night
I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind
This time
The neon lights in bars
And headlights from the cars
Have started a symphony
Inside of me
The things I left behind
Have melted in my mind
And now there's a purity
Inside of me
I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind
This time
I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind
This time
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| a la cunt |
[25 Dec 2007|11:10pm] |
here i sit
in my empty apartment
with a splitting headache
my womb mourning the loss
of another possibility of life
watching food network
russian traditional food...vodka
the main ingredient in every meal
i drink ginger mint tea
warm my insides with my laptop
eating cold polish sausage and
cold buns
secluding myself from all the bustle
of christmas revelers
caring for my body
and my spirit
caring for me
merry christmas
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[20 Dec 2007|07:23pm] |
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if you love something, let it go. that is what i am going to do. but i will never stop loving. or at least by the time i do, it won't hurt. i believe that...thanks lootz bootz.
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[20 Dec 2007|02:33pm] |
PS I did grow up in a 5-child family. Bradley and Ryan were as much my brothers as anyone else as I was growing up.
Whatever.
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| All About US |
[19 Dec 2007|11:56pm] |
I am cleaning out my room even more. Moving books from this semester, making room for new ones. I found "All About Us." I was so mad when she got this for me for my birthday, because even on the day that was supposed to be about me, she made it partially about her. I stupidly looked for the last thing we filled out.
It reads:
"Your proven cure for heartbreak:
A (Marie): I'll never have a way to get over 'B' (Beth). There is no cure.
B: Throwing myself into other things knowing it will pass."
Obviously, this is fucking wrong. Fuck.
I want to hate her so much.
I have had 3 people (none of whom have been in a long relationship...like longer than 3 weeks long) who have told me that they admire how much I care about her still. How amazing it is that my love can persist even as she, in one person's words, "treats me so shitty". One wants to find someone like me, who will never give up on love. Well here's news friend...you will be in a relationship with someone who won't be able to take it when you inevitably move on.
I wish that no one else would exist like me in the world.
Someday, somehow...I believe that we will make each other happy. But for now...fuck.
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[19 Dec 2007|09:03pm] |
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all right, so i don't wish she was dead. i just wish it wouldn't have ended like this. more later.
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[18 Dec 2007|10:36pm] |
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i wish she was dead. at least then she wouldn't have chosen to stop loving me.
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[30 Nov 2007|07:21pm] |
i am at home doing laundry, then i need to go to kohls to spend a coupon my mom got shopping there the day after thanksgiving. i am going to go up to the park. the park where we would meet. the park where i gave her the bte puzzle. and she threw me the most awesome birthday party ever. because i can't hate her. i need to remember the good things that happened, between friends. because i want that back so much. and hate is not healthy. i think that i am past the hate, and almost past the hurt....it is just somewhere that i feel i have to go.
i just wished i still smoked. how picturesque would it be for me to be standing there, looking down on the city, smoke making gray trails up into the sky, where my hopes reside.
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| hmmm |
[30 Mar 2007|06:55pm] |
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does anyone know what happened to the post from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) 7_deadly_sinz from yesterday (the blonde jokes one)?
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| my reflection |
[17 Mar 2007|03:53pm] |
I shouldn’t have to feel lucky that my family loves me; but I do. You may ask why I would doubt the love and acceptance of those who raised me, who have been there with me through my entire life. I have seen people, close friends, be rejected by their families for the characteristic that makes me fear the loss of my family’s love. I have seen people have to make families for themselves because they have lost theirs, due to someone else’s choice. Luckily, the ones I know have a lot of love to give. Their love is the reason they lose everything. Their love for someone of the same sex.
I am bisexual. I am attracted to both sexes. This confuses most people, including my parents. If I can be attracted to men, why not have relationships with them? It would be easier if I dated men: I wouldn’t have to explain that my “friend” from high school was actually my girlfriend for 9 months before either of us were out, I wouldn’t have to worry about bringing my partner to business dinners because Nebraska has no law making it illegal to fire someone on the basis of their sexuality, I wouldn’t have to worry about how I am going to have children because I still want to have a family, I wouldn’t be depressed that my partner and I cannot have children that represent both of us, biologically, I wouldn’t worry about being physically violated because some men believe that they can “straighten out” gay women, I wouldn’t have fear of hatred from classmates because my university perpetuates oppression by treating our valid requests for equal dignity as impossible because of a “political climate” regardless of the university’s mission.
So why would I “choose” to indulge my feelings for the fairer sex? Because it isn’t a choice. Sure, it would be theoretically possible for me to have a meaningful relationship with a man, both emotionally and physically. It would be easier to live in American culture, that is for sure. But I simply cannot fathom judging someone based on his or her gender. When I look at the meaningful, romantic relationships I have had with women, they are just as fulfilling as those that I have with men. I refuse to let society’s judgments (which I completely disagree with) dictate what I have in my life that makes me happy. As I intend to live the rest of my life with my female partner, I will always be a part of the minority, and will be burdened with all of the obstacles that come with the position.
I will forever be looking over my shoulder as I walk down the mall holding my partner’s hand. I will forever be judged as “sick” for expressing my genuine love for my partner. I will forever be denied basic human rights because in this case, the majority opinion is more important than my safety and dignity. I will forever be told to be happy for the small victories I have, getting closer and closer to equality, but never quite there, and to stop asking for more. I will forever be forced to choose between my love for Omaha and my wish to build a life here and my love for my partner and our desire to live in a city where we are treated fairly under the law. I will forever have to look at contracts, legislation, laws, and other assorted legal documents to understand from what I am and am not protected, as well as pay thousands of dollars in legal fees to write up my own contracts so that I can visit my partner in the event that they are in the hospital, so that my partner can legally be a mother to our child, so that when one of us dies, one will be able to inherit the life that we have worked so hard to build together (among with other things that are guaranteed to a heterosexual couple the moment they sign a marriage certificate, or even if they simply cohabitate for a number of years depending on where they live). I will forever be reminded that I have fewer rights than my heterosexual peers through language, legislation and actions. I will forever love my partner, regardless of all of the negative repercussions, because she deserves to be loved and I have the right to love her.
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[21 May 2006|04:13pm] |
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My sister is going to China for a couple weeks soon. I got her a video iPod for Christmas...I heard that some movies/tv shows are forbidden from the country and that her iPod could be confiscated by customs. Is there a place where I could find a list of these so that I can make sure to just have acceptable ones on there?
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[12 May 2006|01:41pm] |
I think I will start using this again. I really failed earlier this year with the whole "document my first year in college" thing. School pretty much took over my life. But now today:
I smoked the first cigarette I ever smoked alone today. I don't want to be a smoker, but I felt like doing it. Oh well.
I love you all.
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[26 Nov 2005|02:56pm] |
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This morning I got up and made cinnamon rolls. They were delicious. I called Tim and realized that he was in the dorm so he and Dan came up and we ate them in my living room with the sun pouring in and we each had a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and I realized something. I want my life to be like this every day. I love my family, who knows what I would have done without them this year, but I am just now realizing that I am growing up. I am ready to be away from my parents and my siblings. I like sitting here, in MY space with MY friends who have now sort of become my family. Being at Casey's was fun, albeit a little weird because I forgot what it was like with them. We all just fell into the old roles we had as friends before. I like that we can so easily go back to that, but at the same time made me realize how weird college is. Like, I feel like Brian and I are best friends, we spend so much time together in classes, eat almost every meal together, study together...All this happened in less than 6 months. And it makes me wonder...would it have happened if I wasn't in this dorm? What would life be like if there were more people to choose from? If I went to Creighton or Loyola, where there is a community of people on campus, instead of literally feeling sometimes like we are isolated out in the middle of this field, stranded together with computers, school books and dorm food. Who would I be friends with? Does everyone feel this thrown-together in college or is it just me? Is it a good thing that I have no problem making friends out of necessity and growing to love them so quickly? My friends are my family now. It is a truly weird feeling, but one that I am loving getting used to.
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[29 Oct 2005|04:22pm] |
I don't care what any doctor says, she died of a broken heart. 10 years of being alone was too long.
RIP Daisy Oma Steenson
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[26 Oct 2005|11:11pm] |
Sophie B Hawkins - As I Lay Me Down to Sleep
My favorite song on the radio for like 4 years when I was younger. Before the times of napster so way before Kazaa or Ares Lite when I couldn't get the song so every time I heard it, it was a treat. I just want to put it on repeat, but Ares won't let me on. Hmm. I may just have to buy it on iTunes. Yep, here I go.
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| chi-town |
[17 Oct 2005|06:38pm] |
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Well, Joan and Jill were still awake when we got here, their own idea so this afternoon turned into nap time. They (Marie, Joan and Jill are still asleep). Chicago is pretty I suppose. What I have seen has some more interesting architecture than NYC, but still looks like another big city. Driving was really easy getting up here. I had no where to park last night because we couldn't find the overnight parking lot so I have 50 bucks to pay to this wonderful city on my departure. But it was raining, so instead of an envelope that I can jsut mail in, I have a soggy, barely legible piece of paper. Oh well. Had a really good brunch at Ann Sathers, will be taken out for real Chicago deep dish once Sean gets out of a test at 7. I am having a lot of fun and even got a bit of homework done earlier this afternoon (before nap-a-palooza). I think I will go back and cuddle with Joan and Marie until that time comes... More later.
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| Hmmm... |
[02 Oct 2005|03:45pm] |
So, I should not have started watching Office Space. It really makes me think that I shouldn't do my homework because is it really worth it? Argh. Oh well. I will do homework now. But not programming. Because that shit is whack, yo.
cout << damn you bob fulkerson << endl;
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| you could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in |
[19 Sep 2005|11:18am] |
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I love 3eb. So the first round of tests started today. Chem and calc for me. I studied hard for chem and got done with the test in about 20 min. I didn't really study for calc at all because I felt that I knew it all from last year and I had 2 that I didn't have answers for after 50 min. But one of them (a volume where you have to use the shell method), I honestly think that he wrote something wrong. Because seriously, I kick ass at volumes, and I don't know anyone who got an actual answer for it (like, the integral couldn't be solved). Oh well. It was really funny at the beginning of class. This boy facebooked me and I am listed as Elizabeth there. He called me Elizabeth like 6 times before I realized he was trying to get my attention to borrow a pencil for the test. Oops. It's okay though, I think he is a really cool kid. We should be friends.
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| sorry i am |
[17 Sep 2005|06:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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reassured |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Ani DiFranco - Sorry I Am |
] |
God do I love Ani Difranco on a cloudy day. I hope it is raining as I drive home and I can listen to this. Mmm. She has the best voice.
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[17 Sep 2005|12:51pm] |
One night. One night out of three weeks. You gave up before I could even explain. I let you hang up this time. I hung up before you, even. You said the word and I did it. But you aren't thinking about that, are you? You are thinking about the fact that I called you before you could call me, even when I said that I just wanted to say one thing and you could call me later. You are thinking about the fact that I hung up then called right back. You are thinking about every negative thing about last night, and I am fucked again.
You used to understand wanting to call someone right at that moment, just for a moment, to tell them you love them.
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| only alive briefly |
[13 Sep 2005|05:14pm] |
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What would happen if I was there and not here? Would anything be different if I could talk to you randomly at dinner some night? If we could study like we used to because we would have more similar classes? If we passed by each other on the mall, would you say hi, or keep walking? I suppose after the other night, I know the answer to that one. What is going to be enough for me? I am living. I am breathing at a normal pace. I laugh and cry and smile and make weird faces and sing in my car to get laughs, from myself or others. Why does it still feel like something is missing? Like I could be breathing even slower, in counterpart to your breath. My eyes could light up while I am laughing, moreso than they do now. Someone else could know the words to the songs...someone out there could be listening to the same song, feeling the same way that I do. No one here feels the same. You did. I like to think you still do. I was spoiled, finding someone who understood me so early in life. I want that still. I want you still. I still wonder what you are doing at any given time I think about you. Not because I need to know, not because I am obsessing about you, but because I care about you and want you to be having fun. I want you to feel good about your life, like I am starting to feel good about mine. When I let myself get selfish, I want you back. When I don't, I want you to have what you want/need in life. Eventually I won't feel like this. I have asked around; turns out I could feel this way anywhere from a year to the rest of my life. Like I can live my life and be happy, but not like I am getting the most out of it...I think is how I want to put it. If I can even express it in words, that would probably be the best way of saying it. Like I am living day to day, but not seizing it. It like french fries with out ketchup. Or coke and cherry coke. I want my cherry back. I wish you still understood what you said you did then.
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[12 Sep 2005|12:26pm] |
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I'm in college. I can do what I want. I am going to base decisions on myself. There aren't any big decisions to make right now that involve other people, is what I mean. I guess the point of this post is that I just decided to do something that I have been wanting for a while but was always too timid to do. Maybe I'll write about it later. Right now I need to do a chem lab write up. Then off to the store. I need more yogurt.
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| so while you're waiting, know that i'm saying i love you...i love you |
[11 Sep 2005|09:05pm] |
Oh Aslyn, what fond memories you bring to me. Mostly of you being really hot. And driving home from Des Moines when she wouldn't let go of my hand, even in her sleep. One of the single best moments of my entire life, right there. Even though I really did want to drink that Diet Coke, I couldn't drive with no hands at all, now could I? So after a week of not crying at all, I have broke down twice today. Each time only lasted like 5 minutes but unfortunately Marie was there for both of them. Shit. Oh well. I am getting better and that is what matters. I was told to expect this. A week of feeling high above it all, then a relapse of a week or two and then it finally will kick in. I guess I just have to be patient. That is really the lesson I will get out of my freshman year of college I think. Be patient. Be patient for people to be your friends. Be patient in classes because you aren't going to know your grade for a month. Be patient in relationships. Be patient with yourself. For someone who hates waiting and wants life to go right now, it sucks. I am learning though. As hard as it is, I am learning.
I think I am going to buy a baby Powerbook. Because I can. And so I won't risk breaking this one by taking it to class. It's pretty expensive and important.
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| i'm the one for you cuz i know all the dirty things you'd like to do |
[10 Sep 2005|11:32pm] |
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I just got home for the night. I nearly got in an accident. On 132nd and Dodge, some guy turned to go west and I was going south on 132...I nearly t-boned him. It would have been his fault. I seriously had to break so heard my seat belt locked. It hurt. I haven't wrote about work yet. I make copies and file and make folders with labels and stuff. The weirdest stuff is when I have to file death certificates. I read one the other day (morbid, I know but I had to figure out the branch number....it's complicated) and this guy had Alzheimers and lost his memory and stuff. It reminded me of when I watched 'The Notebook' with her. And we both broke down. And I promised her I would never leave her, even if we end up like them...I would be there for her and love her. I still love her. It's hard to be there for her right now (even though I am and always will be) because she keeps doing things that hurt me. Even when she knows they do. I am not sure how to react with all this. I can't leave her, but even I think that I probably should after all this. She knew it would hurt people, she knew it would hurt me and she still did it. I'm not ditching her though. Is that what love is? Or am I just blind and stupid?
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